I’ll probably get laughed at for asking this but hoping I’m just being crazy.

Happily married to my wife for 10 years. Out sex life has had its struggles. Mainly she has so many limits and inhibitions that basically all she likes is straight to intercourse penetration no receiving oral no foreplay of any kind just straight to stick it in and go at it hard. I’m the type that I really need to satisfy my partner and give her orgasms for me to be satisfied myself. It was a struggle for many years and it was destroying my self esteem when she forced me to be limited and not do anything where I could get her off and then she was always quiet during sex and didn’t seem into it and said she didn’t cum.

She always said she would never ever fake it with me and as much as it hurt to feel like I was failing all the time at least I could trust that when it seemed like she was into it sometimes and said she did get off it was real so I could learn from what worked for her get better at satisfying her. Over the years like that I’ve paid attention to her body and responses and learned a few tricks and positions that seemed to be working to get her off much more while respecting her limits. She’s been saying she is so much more into it lately and getting off more even started doing some different positions on her own initiative like pulling her legs together that she keeps going to on her own and seems to like. Her orgasms haven’t seemed like over the top porn star acting like I’ve encountered in the past when a girl was faking thru seemed very real and very physical responses. I never suspected she would be faking.

Then two weeks ago during a fight she said it was too much effort to get into sex with me even though we only do it once a week and that she just gives a performance. I took that to mean she’s been faking this whole time and I’m totally humiliated and shocked and crushed like I can’t even look at myself right now all my self esteem is destroyed thinking this whole time I thought I was satisfying her getting her off she was just acting wishing I’d just get it over with and get away from her.

She said later that’s not what she meant that she just feels pressured to perform and get off so when she doesn’t feel like she can she rejects me. I actually totally get and respect that but I’m just having trouble getting the fear that she’s just faking it all the time out of my head now. During sex since then I got that anxiety in the back of my head like I am wondering if it’s real or fake having a panic attack that I gotta do something different or better even though she says she doesn’t want anything except penetration. It’s totally messing with me afraid it’s going to give me the Yips.

Am I being crazy. I mean if she was faking it why would she have been so quiet and told me she wasn’t cumming all those years wouldn’t she have been faking it more back then. What am I supposed to do if what she is allowing me to do is not enough to get her off but she won’t let me do anything more. How can I live with myself knowing I can never give my wife an orgasm ever again and every time she seems to be enjoying herself I’ll know it’s all an act. Just can’t believe it don’t want to believe it praying I’m wrong.